Why Am I Having an Affair? The Hidden Reasons Behind Infidelity
Infidelity is one of those taboo topics that feels shameful, isolating and really confusing. If you’re reading this, maybe you’ve found yourself in a situation you never thought you’d be in, asking, “Why am I having an affair?” First, let me say this: good for you addressing it and not hiding.
As a therapist who has guided many individuals and couples through this maze, I want to help you uncover the deeper reasons behind cheating and infidelity—reasons that often go beyond surface-level explanations—and explore how therapy can help you navigate the emotional turbulence and take steps forward.
The Emotional Disconnect That Fuels Infidelity
One of the most common threads I see in infidelity is an emotional disconnect—either with a partner or within oneself. Most of the time, cheating isn’t about the other person at all. It’s about unmet needs, unresolved feelings, or a deep craving for connection or validation.
Maybe you’re feeling unheard or unappreciated in your relationship. Perhaps there’s a loneliness that crept in while you were busy trying to keep everything else in life afloat. Or maybe the affair is an escape, a way to feel alive in the midst of routines that have dulled over time. These emotional gaps often set the stage for infidelity to feel like a solution, even if it’s temporary and can cause so much destruction.
The Psychological Factors Driving the Affair
Infidelity isn’t just about what’s happening in your relationship; it’s often a reflection of what’s happening within you. Some common psychological drivers include:
- Unresolved Trauma or Patterns: Childhood wounds or past relationship dynamics can influence how you approach intimacy and connection.
- Low Self-Worth: Seeking external validation to fill a void in how you feel about yourself.
- Fear of Vulnerability: Pushing away from the closeness of your current relationship because deep connection feels overwhelming or unsafe.
- Desire for Autonomy: A feeling of losing your individuality in a relationship can sometimes manifest as a need to reclaim independence in unhealthy ways.
Therapy can help you uncover these patterns and provide the tools to work through them—not just for your relationship, but more importantly for you.
Why Infidelity Feels Like the Easy Way Out (But Isn’t)
Affairs often seem like a shortcut to happiness or relief. They offer excitement, novelty, and the illusion of escape. But underneath that initial rush is a world of hurt—not just for your partner but for you, too. Carrying the weight of secrecy, guilt, and shame can take a toll, leaving you further from the connection you truly want.
Healing doesn’t come from avoidance; it comes from confronting what’s broken—both within the relationship and within yourself.
How Therapy Can Help You Understand and Heal
The first step to moving forward is understanding why infidelity happened in the first place. Therapy provides a nonjudgmental space to explore your feelings, behaviors, and choices. Together, we can:
- Identify the unmet needs that led to the affair.
- Explore your relationship patterns and personal history.
- Work through feelings of guilt, shame, or confusion.
- Create a path forward—whether that’s healing your current relationship and/or focusing on your personal growth.
Therapy isn’t about assigning blame; it’s about finding clarity and helping you build healthier relationships, starting with the one you have with yourself.
An Invitation to Take the Next Step
If you’re grappling with infidelity and want to better understand the “why” behind it, know that you don’t have to figure it out alone. Healing is possible, and it starts with a willingness to look inward.
I’m Genny Finkel, LCSW—a relationship therapist based in NYC (and available virtually beyond) specializing in infidelity and betrayal trauma. I’ve worked with countless individuals and couples to help them navigate the complexities of infidelity, uncover the deeper emotional truths, and move toward healing and growth. Whether you’re ready to repair your relationship or need space to process what’s happened, I’m here to guide you every step of the way.
If you’re ready to begin this journey, let’s start with scheduling a free 15 minute consultation with me to see if we might be a good fit together.
